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(transcript)

Hey, what do you want to do tonight? 

You don’t know? 

I don’t know either. 

What do you think we should do? 

You don’t know?

I don’t know either. 

 

This is a conversation that is very real and happens a lot for us people-pleasers, because we don’t want to upset anybody, so we’re not going to say yes, you know what, I really want to go see that new movie or I would really rather have pizza than Chinese. 

This cost of us not speaking up and saying what we want or what we need can have a huge affect on our physical and mental health. 

For example, the stress of doing all the things for all the people. 

You know it was just Halloween, the amount of time I saw that people were last minute doing this, getting costumes, getting candy, working on a costume. Whoosh, it kinda made my head spin, and that is part of the issue, 

we’re taking on too much. 

We don’t need to take on that much. Now I’m not, don’t get all uppity and say, well my kid needs a costume and this, that, and the other thing, and in my programs we talk about things like this and how to balance it out. 

However, people-pleasers are more at-risk for giving away all of their time, because they don’t want to say no. 

They want everyone to be happy, and so that time that could be used to recuperate, to fill our cups is gone. We simply don’t have it. 

Another detriment, another cost to being nice all the time or being too nice is we may not know what we want. 

In some ways, I’m a great example of this. I can tell you what I don’t want, but if somebody asks me, well what do you want? I still struggle to figure out what I want, because I’m so used to letting other people take the lead. But now I can figure it out by what I don’t want and then I can narrow it down to what I do want. So I don’t know, maybe that would be a helpful tool for you as well, but when we don’t know what we want, and we’re just trying to go by what other people want, we seem wishy-washy, we come across as insecure, and those are things that make people look at us differently and in ways that we don’t want them to as people-pleasers, because we want everybody to like us. 

The brainpower that we use, anticipating others’ needs, oh, well what does so and so want, and what does so and so want, and we’re constantly using this mental energy to anticipate what is best, what we think is best for other people, we don’t even know, because we won’t ask, we just a lot of times assume, and so we use up all this brainpower that could be used on other things. 

You know, doing a project really well or taking care of ourselves even better. 

All of these things lead to, can, they don’t always, but they can lead to serious mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, and I’ve worked with enough clients both coaching and as a psychologist to understand that a lot of the issue is…

People don’t want to stand up and say what they think or what they want, and let the chips fall where they may. 

They’re too worried about how their actions are going to impact everybody else. And while there is a time and place for that, obviously there is also a time and place for us to have good self-interest and do what is best for us no matter what other people may think about it. 

 

Have you ever given up time so you could do something for someone else? 

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